12:07 p.m. - Tuesday, Mar. 16, 2004
Gratitude, and a surprising transformation by an unexpected character!
Hello everyone. Thankyou so much for your kind words. I am ok, but so up and down and difficult. Getting from one minute to the next is sometimes as much as I can manage. And I took two blows yesterday, and it all came tumbling out in big wracking sobs.

This diary is such an amazing place, just to pour out my feelings. The idea that you all read it, and care, and care enough to leave me messages or e-mail to say it'll be ok, and I'm ok, and it will end and I'll be happy again, is mind-blowing. You are all so kind and lovely and help an unbelievable amount. It is just fantastic to know I am not alone, I have, in addition to my real world friends, family and mice, an intercontinental network of people who love me. You are all so special.

After I wrote yesterday, I went to Rainbows. It was one of the worst meetings I've ever led, the activity being too long and not really effective (thanks a lot, Guidingm@gazine), and me being headachy, exhausted and miserable. I snapped at the kids, and was impatient with them, and while I know it's forgivable, I was angry with myself. The children didn't ask for any of it. They did cheer me up a little though. My favourite quite was '0tter, you must be really bad at driving to fail your test three times.' The other adults looked shocked, but I love that about my kids. They are so frank and to the point!

Speaking of driving, my friend airforce1 passed her test on the day a failed mine. This gave me TERRIBLE envy, a big failing of mine anyway, and she'd only had about 15 hours tuition next to my 100. But then, on sunday, she drove her mother's car into a gatepost and it now requires two new doors. Mostly I feel sorry and not gloaty, but I did feel like it was God pointing out that I didn't fail my test because He's mean (I did accuse Him of it), but for a proper reason. Betty is glad to still have four intact doors too.

Bob and I are winking at each other across the computer lab. I love Bob, when I cuddle him all my insides turn into pink sticky love mush. He is beautiful and fab. (Even if he just force fed me chewing gum because my breath apparently smells!!) He is doing dull work. I love and admire him for working so hard. I hope he gets his top class degree.

So, back to yesterday. Mia told me that she wasn't sure anymore about Bob and I going away with she and Rocco to her parent's holiday home. I wasn't upset with the principle, but with the way she told me - only because I asked, and I felt as if she thought I was some pathetic child who couldn't join in the grown up discussion. It's remedied now (she saved me a sausage for tea), but it didn't help yesterday.

The other big thing is too wearing to discuss now. I will tell you soon, I promise.

The most positive influence today has actually been the newly re-named Kind and Helpful Project Supervisor Man. What is this strange transformation!? I went to see him nervously this morning, and told him I am now too ill to do work, to concentrate, to think and to worry. I also largely couldn't care less about anything (think this is the new tablets). He understood completely - telling me my project was fine for a pass with only a little extra work, and calculating that I only need a year average of about 46% to pass my degree (my only target in life at the moment). He reassured me this was possible, almost easy in fact and that I would get through it all fine. I've always know God works in mysterious ways, but through the once Evil Project Supervisor man?! Barmy!

Finally, I have to include this little story for Alice sheepdip. Just before bed last night, I came on, read all your lovely messages, and the updated diaries. These included Alice's pregnancy journal(alicesbaby) where I read of a genuine miracle. I was thinking of this, and what blessings you all are as I brushed my teeth, and I couldn't help but raise my hands in worship and thanks!! (Help Ali, I'm becoming an arm-waver!) And then I got a feeling, one I haven't had for ages, a gentle tingling down my arm and across my shoulders, and I knew God's spirit was resting on me - like after Jesus came out of the Jordan and the spirit came to him like a dove. It wasn't a tremendous sense of peace, or victory, or euphoria, but just that, like Jesus*, I am God's daughter with whom He is pleased. I love that God is proud of me, and that while He has a plan for my life, I also still surprise and impress him. And make him giggle sometimes. Like the incident with the revolving door. The bruise still hasn't gone.

Hee! Didn't I get religious. Sorry to those who tune in expecting a spot of light reading! My red shoe life is most eclectic.

*I hope you understand that I don't mean that I think I am the Messiah.

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