10:52 p.m. - Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004
Arse over Tit
Well, today wasn't so good, but needs recording for posterity.

I got all into a tizz last night about babies. I think you probably all know by now I am a very maternal sort of person, and spend a lot of time thinking about a baby of my own (yes, I know this is linked with my unhappiness in general). Thing is, while I loved Nia so much, and I miss her, and cuddling her newborn self and kissing her soft little head were wonderful, she scared me. She is a huge commitment, and a big drain on all sorts of things - sleep, energy money...and I began to think I'll NEVER be ready for all that. And, given my mental health background, sitting there, raining outside with all the lights on a 2.30pm, the walls began to close in. I felt the worry and claustrophobia as if N was really mine. I then really helped myself yesterday evening by going to a post natal depression related forum. Go me! So I read posts by lots of women all wanting to kill themselves because they're stuck at home with a baby. That really helped!

But I am getting things into perpective now. I get really frustrated by the way I blow hot and cold. Why can I not just be relaxed and serene?? But Bob, and mummy pointed out, that when it's my turn, I will be ready, and carrying and giving birth to a baby prepares you (at least somewhat) for being a mother. It's not just like being given N now and being told to get on with it.

Hmp. So while I was in emotional washing machine state this morning, I went arse over tit in the revolving door on the Arts building whilst looking for a loo (my digestive system and emotins have some sort of interesting lever link that means when the latter is churned up, the former follows suit). The general humiliation of getting entangled in a door whilst grazing one's knee and pulling one's shoulder was dramatically enhanced by the hostility of the Arts students (probably because it was 11am and they were mentally scarred by being up so early). Over in Engineering, even strangers would have laughed at me/checked I was ok, and then I would have had someone to tell that I felt like a complete knob. The arty types treated me with a steady gaze, whilst their understimulated brains registered 'blockage. human, possibly female'. I managed to get up, and find the relevant facilities in the end though. And my pride wasn't particularly hurt. If I valued myself solely on my ability to remain upright in all situations, I would be on a much higher dose of happy pills than I am now.

I think it helped my fear of revolving doors though. I mean, I didn't smash any bones or end up going round and round trapped in the door all day.

It's election time here at the university of Mordor. It is a lot like real politics, as everyone running is very enthusiastic, and then when they get into office, it all stays exactly the same. The campaigning is more fun though. Today was greatly enhanced by the guitar based serenade and blackcurrant lollipop I recieved in return for promising that I might condsider thinking about voting for the candidates corncerned. I might rethink though. The gentleman running for union president was, after all, wandering around dressed as a box of washing powder. Do I really want my successors to be under such a man's rule?

The mice are well. They have been supporting me in my hour of need. Admittedly, I am a little smelly and scratched after their own particular brand of support, but it's nice to know they're on my side. I must given Maisy some more bedding to play with tonight. She has been dropping hints all day that the current quantity is insufficient by attempting to roof the nest with neatly arranged woodshavings.

I've also ordered Bob's birthday present. My boy is such an angel that he has actually offered to buy me a treat with HIS birthday money because I am down. If I ever find out which warehouse he came from, I shall be sure to let you know (I think it might be the same one as Greg, Mollie :-) )

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