9:03 p.m. - Saturday, Feb. 28, 2004
Deep despair
These past few days have been amongst my worst ever. Thankfully, such is the resilience of my brain, I can't remember how awful it was, in detail. But truly, I felt like life wasn't worth living for a good few hours there. But, God is still with me, and I have my Bob and my Mia and my Mum and my mice, so hopefully, I shall claw back out.

Things were bad anyway. Thursday, Bob began to really pick up on it, because I couldn't look anyone in the face. I still can't to a large extent. I'd been into the undergrad office, and we came out, and Bob just took me to him and whispered 'you are good enough to look them in the eye.' I couldn't help but cry into his front. Some days, I feel he really doesn't understand. But he was there with me, that second.

So there aren't many faces from these past few days. Lots of floors, and views from windows, but no faces. The doctor (black jacket, new picture on wall, view of victorian detached house) changed my drugs (second time in four weeks), but warned me that there might be no real help for as long as I have this course killing me from the inside.

Thursday night, the whole thing crashed down. I found out that my first choice of teaching college turned me down. And I know this is because my first degree is in engineering. They even told me how impressed they were with ME, but that the choice I made when I was 17 was a problem.

I was devasted. I couldn't even tell Mia, as she has just found out that she had got into her college (which is absolutely brilliant), and I didn't want to bring her down, or make her feel guilty for being happy.

Bob came round, and let me cry all over him, and tell him I was going to be a professional mother of 16 children, or sleep with both of his brothers and his dad and make a career of appearing on the trisha show. Sadly, as he is a man, he was very good at hugs, and kisses and love, but very bad at talking about it, choosing to try and distract me instead. ('what am I going to do baby, sob sob?' ' Erm, where shall we go on holiday at Easter?' *tickles me*. ) Eventually he left, with me deciding to pursue a career in sleeping.

Thankfully, Mia came to see me not long afterwards, to check I wasn't jealous that she got in. I'm not, in the slightest, but I began to sob all over her. She is my angel though, and trotted my downstairs, made me a nice cup of tea and rescued my chocolate from the cupboard. With hugs, and love, she stitched me back together, sorted me out, made me see it was a good thing, and agreed to help me shop for tracksuits and high heels if the trisha show proved to be my only option. Some people really are angels.

Friday was snowy (second fall of winter). I was woken by Mia, who then made me some toast and walked me to my first lecture. Side effects abounded, from come down off one drug and come-up onto the other. I was wet, and clingy and pathetic, but made it through.

Today? A bit better. After going to see along came polly last night (Polly reminded me quite a lot of myself), we had a good sleep, followed by a trip to an amazing art exhibition and a bit of a shop. My period had arrived by the time I got home, blessed relief, and an afternoon of knitting and a good video (about a boy)has left me somewhere close to OK.

I know this has to end one day, but it's very hard going

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